


By Your Side

by Three_Oaks



Series: Oaksy's Prompt Game [9]
Category: Mission: Impossible (Movies)
Genre: Caring Ethan, Hurt, Hurt Benji, M/M, Mission Gone Wrong, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, injuries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:34:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23310235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Three_Oaks/pseuds/Three_Oaks
Summary: Ethan had been surprised, when Benji had taken three months off to see his family. He respected his decision, of course. But he still missed him. It couldn't hurt to visit him, could it?Ethan Hunt realizes that Benji may have been hurt worse that he'd ever feared.Day 8:As long as it will take
Relationships: Benji Dunn/Ethan Hunt
Series: Oaksy's Prompt Game [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1676299
Comments: 4
Kudos: 57





	1. Chapter 1

Ethan was tired. Not exhausted, not hurt, just tired, for once. The mission had gone well, finishing a few days earlier than expected. Of course, he could have used the three days off to sleep, relax, visit a spa, or whatever it was people did when they had time for themselves. He had decided on a whim to go visit Benji.

It’s wasn’t a whim, not really. He’d been thinking about it since Luther had told him Benji was taking three months off to spend some time with his family. Unexpected, but Ethan had respected his decision. If he thought he needed it, it was certainly the best choice.

And why not now? He’d left his other teammates in Glasgow, Benji’s family was in Bath, it was nearly in the region. Well, not really. But he’d need more to get scared away than a 6 hours drive.

Hopefully Benji wouldn’t mind. He’d said he wanted to stay away from the job for a while, but did a friendly visit count? He’d missed him. More than he wanted to admit. Well, if Benji minded, he wouldn’t overstay his welcome. And if he didn’t, maybe he’d even ask for a holiday, stay a bit longer.

He arrived at sundown, changed his shirt in the car, bought a nice bottle of wine, and knocked on the door.

A woman around seventy opened the door, her eyes as blue as Benji’s.

“Mrs. Dunn? My name is Ethan, I’m a friend of your son. Is he around?”

“Benji? I haven’t seen him since my husband’s birthday, so…” she frowned, thinking. “Well yes, it must have been six months ago.”

“Really? I thought… I must have misunderstood. Sorry for bothering you.” 

“Oh and if you see him, could you tell him to call us? We haven’t heard much from him, recently. I have to say, I’m a bit worried.”

“I will, Mrs. Dunn. Have a nice evening.”

Ethan sat back in his car, throwing the bottle of wine on the passenger seat. He grabbed his phone.

“Luther. Where is Benji? Because he’s definitely not staying with his parents. They haven't seen him in six months.”

Luther sighed.

“Look, Ethan, it’s what he asked me to tell you.”

“Asked you to tell me? So it was a lie?”

Ethan took his hand in his head, trying to wipe his growing headache away.

“Alright. It doesn’t matter. Is Benji safe?”

There was a pause.

“He’s safe now. But there was a mission that went badly.”

“Badly? How badly?”

“Listen, I don’t know the details. But he was shaken, wanted some time off, so I helped him.”

“Does he… sorry, that’s going to sound narcissistic, but does it have to do with me? Does he specifically not want to see me?”

“No. I don’t think so. I think he just wanted to stay home, have some quiet for a while. What are you thinking, Ethan?”

“Thank you. I’ll keep in touch.” He hung up, started the car, drove to London Gatwick and took the first flight back to DC.

A mission had gone badly. How badly? Had Benji been hurt? Had his teammates? Why hadn’t he reached out? 

He hit his head against the back of his seat, and tried to sleep. He left the plane bleary eyed, and more worried than he’d been going in. 

The taxi left him in front of Benji’s building, and he climbed the steps four by four until he’d reached the sixth floor. Benji’s door was open. He reached for his gun.

“It’s ok, Ethan, I just saw you coming.” 

Benji stood at the door, wearing a ratty robe and a faded Star Wars t-shirt. He looked older, more tired. But no visible injuries. Ethan let out a large breath.

“Luther told me, and I’d figured it wouldn’t be worth letting you break in.” 

“I’d never break into your flat.”

“Are you kidding? You did it at least three time!”

“Well, alright, but those were all emergencies.”

“And this isn’t?”

Ethan couldn’t disagree with him.

Benji gestured to him to sit at one of the kitchen chairs, and Ethan delicately moved the books on it to the neighboring chair, barely stopping the towering pile from collapsing. Benji put the kettle on, and sat on the only unoccupied spot at the table. He didn’t meet Ethan’s gaze.

“Your mom is worried about you. She told me to ask you to call them.”

“You met my mum, didn’t you? Of course you did. Can’t keep away, can you?”

“Do you want me to leave?”

The kettle boiled, and Benji got up. He poured two cups, his back towards Ethan.

“Sorry. Shouldn’t have said that. Don’t want you to think I’ve grown mean without you,” Benji said, still facing away.

“What happened, Benji?”

Benji stirred the tea, making the spoon clatter in the cup. Too loudly, for too long. He turned back, holding the cups. His knuckles were white, and Ethan saw he was shaking.

Benji tried to smile.

“Mission went to shit. You know how it is.” The shaking turned to tremors.

One of the mugs fell and shattered on the floor. Ethan jumped to his feet, grabbing the other from Benji’s hands before it fell too.

“It’s ok, just sit down. I’ll clean this up,” he said, gently shoving the mess on the couch aside to make a place for Benji to sit.

Ethan picked up the broom from the cupboard and started cleaning the shards away.

“This is why… this is why I wanted you to stay away. You haven’t been here ten minutes, and you’re already fixing everything for me.” Benji’s voice was as shaky as his hands, muffled by the cushion he’d buried his head in.

Ethan put the broom down, and sat next to Benji.

“Benji, I… I can see that something has happened. If you don’t want to talk about it now, it’s fine. But I think you need some help,” he said, trying to be as kind as he could.

“Is that why you’re here, Ethan? So you can help me? Save me?” Benji laughed, without mirth. It was a dead laugh. 

“I… Do you want me to help you, Benji?”

“No. I want you to fuck off. I want you to leave me alone.” Benji finally looked at Ethan. The only thing Ethan could see in his eyes was the rage of a beaten dog, baring its teeth. 

“I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do. I promise.”

He got up.

“I’ll finish cleaning this, and then I’ll leave. Can I come back tomorrow to help you tidy the flat?”

“No.”

Ethan threw away the last shards of the mug, holding his breath.

“Not tomorrow. Thursday, maybe? Is that in two days?” 

“Of course. Do you want me to ring?”

“No. I don’t like the bell. Be there at ten, and I’ll open the door for you.”

“Alright. Take care, Benji.”

Ethan left, and rang the office to ask for two months off.


	2. Chapter 2

On Thursday, Ethan was before Benji’s door two minutes before ten. He paced the hall a few times, until he heard the rattle of keys in a lock.

Benji was still wearing the same robe, but with a different t-shirt. His hair were wet, and his skin reddened by heat. 

“Come in, Ethan.”

The living room was already a bit less chaotic than it had been last time. 

“I didn’t want you to think I was living in a hovel.”

“I wasn’t thinking anything.”

“Don’t lie. You’re not good at it. Do you want a cup of tea?”

“That would be nice, thank you.”

Benji put the kettle on, and sat at the kitchen table. Ethan noticed that the books had migrated from the chairs to the floor.

“I’m sorry for the other day. It was… it was a bit much.”

“I shouldn’t have dropped by like that. So, what do you want me to do?”

“Please break into the White House and slap the orange in there.”

“Sir, yes, sir!” Ethan saluted. Benji smiled faintly. It was nice to see.

The kettle boiled.

“Do you want me to get that?” 

“No! I can do it. Just don’t ask me about the mission.” 

He prepared the tea, and set two cups in front of them with only minimal spills. Ethan wiped them away with his sleeve before Benji could notice. 

They drank their tea in silence.

“What do you think of the robe?”

“It looks… comfy.”

“It is.”

Ethan waited for Benji to make his point.

“Would you mind… Sorry. It’s stupid. It’s just I don’t have a washing machine in my building, and….” Benji said.

“Do you want me to do your laundry?”

“Yes! Yes. I’m sorry, it’s ridiculous, the laundromat isn’t even that far, it’s right across the corner.  
”  
“It’s alright. I’ll go now, if that’s ok? Have you collected everything you want washed?”

“No. Not really. I’m sorry, I should have thought of that. I don’t… I don’t know where my brain is, sometimes.”

“Ok. We can go through your flat together, if you want?”

“Shit. I don’t… I don’t remember where I put the laundry bag.”

“It’s ok. We’ll look for it.”

Ethan smiled, and Benji smiled back.

After some shuffling to find the laundry bag, which was behind the couch, they went through Benji’s flat to collect clothes. His room was even more cluttered than the living room and the kitchen, with magazines and cables and electronics everywhere. And a gun. It was clearly where Benji spent most of his time.

“Should we take the bedsheets too?”

“Yes. I think I have others in the drawers.”

Once he had two full bags, Ethan headed to the laundromat. He worried about the gun. 

When he came back, he found Benji sitting on the floor next to his bed. The mattress was still bare. 

“I’m sorry, Ethan, I wanted to put the new sheets on, but I just couldn’t. I… I just couldn’t.”

“It’s ok. I’ll do it.” He reached his hand out to help Benji get up, but he didn’t move. Ethan sat on the bed.

“I wanted to come back. I swear I did. But I can’t move my arms right, and my back is busted and some days everything hurt and I… I can’t. I can’t even put on bedsheets, for fuck’s sake!”

“You can tell me to shut up if you want, but have you been to the doctor’s?”

“No, I tried putting my vertebrae back together on my own. Of course I’ve been to the doctor.”

“Physical therapy?”

“I stopped going after a few weeks. It didn’t help.”

Ethan didn’t say anything.

“And it’s too far away. I can’t go there.”

“And actual therapy?”

“They wanted me to. I didn’t go. I don’t see how talking about it is supposed to make me feel better. I know what happened already, I dream of it often enough. I just… I just need some quiet.”

“I went, you know? A few times. It was nice, talking to someone.”

“Good for you. And good for me. Benji Dunn, too fucked up even for the shrinks.”

“You’re not fucked up, Benji.”

“Well that wasn’t my surgeon’s opinion, let me tell you.”

They sat there for a while more.

“Look, Ethan, it was nice seeing you, and I don’t know how I’ll ever thank you for dealing with my dirty socks, but I think I need to sleep. Would you mind…?”

“Not at all. Let me just put the bedsheets on, fold the clothes and put them away.”

“Just the sheets. I’ll do the rest myself. I just want to be alone.”

“Alright. When should I come back?”

He started to put the bedsheets on.

“I don’t know. I’ll… I’ll call you, ok?”

He quickly finished putting the sheets on the bed.

“See you soon, Benji,” he said.

Benji didn’t hear him.


	3. Chapter 3

It had been one week, and Benji still hadn’t called him back. Ethan had barely slept. Benji had said he’d contact him first, that he wanted to be alone. But Ethan couldn’t stop thinking about the state Benji’s flat had been in, how hard he was shaking. That the shower he had taken last Thursday had seemed to be the first in a while. About the gun on his bedside table.

What if something had happened? What if he had gotten hurt, or hurt himself, and Ethan was waiting like a moron for a phone call that would never come?

He drove to Benji’s building just as the night started falling. Once he was in front of the door, he had a moment of hesitation. No doorbell. Would knocking be alright? 

He knocked a few times, softly at first and then with more strength. He couldn’t hear anything inside the flat. Well, this qualified as an emergency, didn’t it?

Ethan forced the lock within seconds.

The flat was dark and silent. Ethan came in quietly. Benji wasn’t in the living room, or the kitchen. The laundry he’d brought back the other day was where he’d left it.

The only noise was his own breathing. Too fast, too shallow.

“Benji? It’s me,” he called softly. No answer. He closed his eyes for an instant.

Ethan headed to the bedroom, his heartbeat screaming at him to run, to do something. Anything. He slowly pushed the door open.

The curtains drawn and the shutters closed, the air heavy and rank. 

Benji was on the bed, his arms and knees folded up to his chest. He wasn’t moving.

Ethan’s heart stopped. He rushed in, grabbed Benji’s shoulder.

Benji screamed.

His eyes were wide open, but he didn’t see Ethan. 

Ethan was too surprised to block the first punch.

“Benji, Benji, stop! It’s me, it’s just me!” 

“Leave me alone! Leave me alone, please, please!”

He struggled against him, trying to punch and kick, to bite him, anything. Ethan pinned his wrists above his head, using his weight to immobilize him.

“It’s ok, Benji, you’re safe! Stop!”

He jerked even more violently, hitting his head against the wooden headboard, eyes mad with fear. He’d kicked the blankets to the floor, and Ethan struggled to keep him from throwing them both to the ground.

Benji wasn’t fighting him. They’d trained enough together to know he excelled at hand to hand combat, enough to be a challenge to Ethan. He’d seen him in action, taking several men down, unarmed. But he wasn’t fighting him. He was trying to get away from him.

Benji hit himself on the headboard again, with the despair of an animal before the slaughter.

He was trying to get away from him. And Ethan was pining him down.

Ethan let him go.

Benji started crying.

“Please, please, please…”

He left the room and sat on the floor of the hallway. Slowly, Benji stopped struggling. His breath was still a rale, painful to hear and more painful to draw, but he wasn’t crying out anymore. Ethan took his hand into his head, and waited.

“You promised,” Benji said, an eternity later. His voice was hoarse. “You promised you wouldn’t do anything I didn’t want.”

“I’m so sorry, Benji.”

“I told you I would call if I wanted to see you.”

“ I was worried about…”

“This isn’t about you, Ethan! I survived for two months. Do you really think I’d die if you left me alone for a week? Poor little Benji, can’t live without you? Do you like that?”

“I never…”

“Get out.”

“Benji, I…”

“Get out, get out, get out!”

Ethan rose. He felt frozen. 

He only realized he was crying after he’d left the building.


	4. Chapter 4

Ethan lived the next month in a daze. A week after he’d gone to Benji’s, he went back to the office and asked for a desk job. Something quiet, where he’d be able to stay in DC. He was tasked with archiving mission files. 

It was 7 a.m. when Luther barged into the grey basement filled with shelf upon shelf of decade-old paperwork, three weeks after he’d started working there. He’d just been enjoying the success of having been able to file a report at the correct place on the first try. 

“Ethan! How are you? Why didn’t you tell me you were back at HQ?” Luther asked, clapping him on the back.

“I haven’t been here very long.”

“What the hell are you doing in the Archives? I nearly got lost coming here. Who did you piss off this time?”

“No one. Do you… do you want to grab a coffee ?”

They sat down in the cafeteria ten minutes later. It was empty at that time of the day, the only few agents there sporting the long faces indicative of an all-nighter. Ethan stared at the vapor streaming out of his cup until there wasn’t any.

“Are you aware that the coffee is not going to get any less disgusting if you let it cool down?”

Ethan took a gulp. Indeed, it was even worse cold.

“So, are you going to keep staring at that, or are you going to tell me what you’re doing there?”

“I needed to stay around for a while. This was the only opening they had.”

“Don’t you get the feeling you might be a bit overqualified?”

“It’s not the most fun thing I’ve have to do, I’ll give you that. But I don’t mind.”

“You? You don’t mind staying locked up in a basement, instead of riding a bike down the Eiffel Tower?”

“I don’t see how that would work.”

“But now you want to try it, admit it.” Luther sighed. “It’s about Benji, isn’t it?”

“Did you talk to him?” Ethan said, too fast.

“I didn’t. But I looked up his file, and… maybe I was wrong not to tell you right away.”

“You weren’t. Luther, I… I fucked up. I thought I could help him, and I just made it worse. And he’s hurting, he’s alone, and I don’t know what to do.”

He looked down.

“Maybe there’s nothing I can do.”

He kicked himself. That was what Benji had been talking about, how he reduced every problem to his capacity to solve them. Made everything about himself. For an instant, he could taste the bile in his throat.

“Well, it’s not surprising he’s not exactly jumping with joy, given what happened. It’s… it’s bad. Worse than I thought. Do you want to see the file?”

“No. I don’t want to go behind Benji’s back.”

“Are you sure?”

“I promised I wouldn’t do anything he didn’t want. He didn’t tell me, so he doesn’t want me to know.”

“What did you do, Ethan?” Luther had always been able to read him, maybe better than anyone.

“I broke into his flat. He panicked.” 

“Shit, Ethan. You need to read that file.”

“No, I don’t. He told me to wait, and I didn’t. That’s all.”

“Alright, if you think so.”

There was a pause. Luther was staring at Ethan, lips pursed. Ethan waited for the inevitable question.

“Why did you break into Benji’s flat?”

“I was worried. He hadn’t called me in a week, and I thought…”

“Did you really think you were the only one concerned about him? He texts me twice a week to let me know he’s alright. Brandt manages his groceries, Jane deals with the IMF.”

Ethan shut his eyes. He’d never felt that much like a moron. 

“He needs you too, Ethan. But you’ve got to let him do it on his own terms,” Luther said, softer.

“I know.”

“So what are you going to do?”

“I’ll wait here. If he ever wants to see me, he’ll call me. I have to be there.”

“And if he never does?”

“I don’t care.”

He parted with Luther on a promise to keep in touch, went back down to the basement and worked for twelve hours.

As he was driving home, the exhaustion of the sheer monotony of his day stopped to be enough. He started hearing Benji’s voice again, screaming at him to get out. He could feel the sting of his fist on his jaw, the burn of his words. 

He stopped trying to evade it. Benji had been right about him, after all. 

He’d wanted to be the one to save Benji, to make all of his pain disappear. He’d wanted to be the one who made him happy again. He’d imagined it. Benji, in the field again at Ethan’s side, well and strong and laughing again. Smiling at Ethan. Telling him how much he’d needed him. How much he loved him.

Ethan bit his tongue and drew blood.

He’d always known it was naïve, selfish, that it came from the worst part of himself, but it hadn’t stopped him. He’d still hurt Benji. He’d forgotten the only thing that mattered. It didn’t matter if he never went back to the field, if he left and never came back, if he could never fight again. It didn’t matter if Benji ever forgave him, or even if he ever spoke to him again. It didn’t matter that he missed so much that it hurt.

All that mattered was that Benji felt better.

And if the only way Ethan had to help him was to stay away, he’d do it.

He didn’t care.

It wasn’t about him.


	5. Chapter 5

Two months had gone by since he’d last seen Benji. Without surprise, he’d received a notification that Benji had left field duty for the foreseeable future once his initial three month holiday was over. He’d gotten mostly used to the basement, managing to find most shelves without checking the plan nine times out of ten. Not that he counted. Still, he’d applied to the position of chief intelligence officer, to the great surprise of his superiors. He’d passed on that job what, five time in the last three years, instead electing field duty? At least, how he wouldn’t have to deal with pointed question regarding his “experience”, and how his knees were doing. And if he got it, he’d even receive an office with cellular reception.

It was maybe the one thing he hated the most about his job in the archives. His basement completely lacked any reception. He’d dramatically promised himself to be there if ever Benji called him, and immediately gotten an assignment that made sure he’d never noticed if Benji ever actually called him. He wasn’t sure he enjoyed the irony.

When he came out of the office, that night, he noticed a missed call.

It was Benji. He stopped breathing.

Hands shaking, he called back. The line rang. Ethan closed his eyes, counting the seconds.

“Ethan?”

“Yes! Yes.”

“Listen, could you come tomorrow for tea?”

“Of course. What time?”

“Five o'clock. And don’t ring the bell.”

“I won’t. ”

Benji hung up. 

Ethan sat down on a bench. He wasn’t sure he could drive, right now.

The next day, he left the office much too early and had to wait half an hour in his car before climbing up to Benji’s flat. When he did, he found the door already open.

“Come on in, Ethan.”

Benji nearly looked the same. He still had his robe, with another one of his many faded t-shirts. His hair was now a bit too long, falling over his ears. His beard was longer, too. But he looked a little less tired, less lost.

Ethan hoped he wasn’t imagining it.

The table was already set for two at the kitchen table, where the piles of book had retaken their place. They sat down, facing each other.

Benji waited for him to speak.

“Benji, I… I wanted to apologize. You were right. I thought I could save you. I didn’t listen to you. I hurt you. There isn’t an instant where I don’t regret what I did.”

“What do you want, Ethan?”

“I still want to help.”

“Even if that means doing my laundry until the end of your days?”

“I can think of worse fates,” Ethan smiled.

“Ethan, it’s hard for me to be around people. Even you. It’s hard to get up, it’s hard to eat, it’s even harder to get out. Which is why I haven’t done it in a good while. I wish I could go back to the field with you tomorrow, but I can’t. I don’t know if I ever will, and it hurts like hell. You can’t barge into my life and try to fix it.”

“I know.”

“But I forgive you.”

Ethan took a breath. For the first time in months, he didn’t feel like he had a weight crushing his chest.

“That’s it. That’s the end of the speech I prepared. Now comes the scary part where I start saying stupid shit and hope you won’t run away.”

Benji sighted, and smiled a little

“I missed you, you know?”

“I missed you too.”

“And now you have to do everything I say. Go make me macarons.”

Ethan laughed.

“Do you want me to learn?”

“Yes. Right now.” Benji managed to keep a straight face for a few seconds, before breaking into laugh. But the moment passed. He stopped laughing, and his face fell. He looked scared, again.

“No, but Ethan… Are you sure you want to do this?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m going to be a shitty friend. I’m going to make you work, and ask you to come and leave at weird times, and… and I know I’m not the same person anymore.” Benji’s hands started shaking harder. “I know that I’m not the funny guy from tech service, or the agent who would have followed you to the end of the world.”

“You’re you. I don’t care how. And I’ll be there for you, as long as you want me to. For as long as it takes.”

Benji let out a strangled sob.

“I can’t do this, Ethan. I can’t let you come into my life, say that you will stay. Not if you’re going to disappear, one day.”

“I won’t.”

“Are you going to promise me that, too?”

“Do you want me to?”

“No. Just… just tell me why.”

“Because I love you.” It felt so simple to say. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t said it before. “You don’t have to answer, Benji. I’m not asking anything from you. All I want is to be there for you. But I don’t know how. Will you teach me?”

Tears were streaming down Benji’s face.

“Yes.”


	6. Chapter 6

_Two years later_

Benji and Ethan were strolling in the park, hand in hand. The cherry trees were in full bloom, and magnolias petals slowly fell on the grass as they walked by. It was still early enough for them to be the only one there. 

Benji stretched his arms.

“Does it hurt?” Ethan asked.

“Not as much as yesterday. But I’m not going to play badminton again for a while.”

“What am I going to do without my partner?” Ethan smiled.

“Go seduce one of the old ladies at the club. Maybe they’ll play with you.”

“I’d miss you too much.” He kissed Benji’s cheek.

“I knew I shouldn’t have stopped the exercises. Why did I stop the exercises again?”

“You said you thought you’d be fine without .”

“I know… ” he sighed. “I’m never going to be fine without them, am I?”

Ethan smiled apologetically.

“Well, could be worse, I guess.”

Benji kissed Ethan. 

“At least you haven’t grown bored of me yet.”

“And I never will. I’ll be there, as long as it takes, remember?”

“Only because you say it to me twice a day. I love you, Ethan.”

“I love you too.”

They walked in silence for a while longer.

“I’m happy, Ethan.”

Ethan stopped, and looked at Benji.

“I’m still scared shitless that one day I’ll wake up back there, or that you’ll leave. Calm down, I know you won’t. I’m scared, all the time. I still can’t put on bedsheets, and I didn’t go out once last week when you weren’t there.”

For an instant, he just stared into Ethan’s eyes. Then he smiled.

“But I’m not only scared. Not anymore. I look forward to talking to Luther and my mom, and to our walks. To badminton. To kissing you. To waking up next to you. This feels like a life, and I’m happy.”

Benji took a deep breath.

“Are you happy too, Ethan?”

“I’m happy. It is a life, Benji. And it’s the only one I want. Being with you has been the greatest privilege I’ve ever had. If you’ll have me, I’ll stay by your side, for as long as you want me.” He smiled. He’d never been as sure of anything.

Benji took his head into his hands, pressing their foreheads together.

“I’ll have you, Ethan. This life? It’s ours.”

They kissed, tenderly, and went home, taking the longer road, the one that was quieter. 

**Author's Note:**

> On tumblr as [ threeoaksy ](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/threeoaksy) !


End file.
